Like most women, my relationship with myself has always been a bit complicated.
I’ve never quite fit in anywhere, and neither has my body. I went on my first diet at age 17. I have always been “bigger” than the other women in my family (especially my mum’s side) and they would remind me of how “big” I was at family functions. My curves were right on the cusp of “too much” for what I thought society wanted and this thought process held me back for years.
The older I got, the more my weight went up and so I decided to take control of one aspect of my life and focus on my career. I landed my dream accounting job as an entertainment accountant in 2013.
I was stuck between two worlds. In one ear, I heard the voice of the media, my friends at school and my wonderful Mum, telling me I need to be thinner and look after my health, and in the other, the voice of the managers and partners who paid my salary urging me to hustle more and work smarter and harder.
The voice I couldn’t hear? My own.
Accountancy gave me the freedom to earn money, which allowed me to see the world, meet different people and experience new cultures, but even with all the glitz and the glamour of working with entertainers, I still wasn’t happy — and I felt bad for feeling guilty about it.
While my life looked like a fairytale on the outside, inside I felt trapped. I was locked in a vicious cycle of working 5/6 days a week, binge eating to numb the pain, and looking for a glimpse of love from every man who caught my eye.
And thinking a man was going to come along and miraculously I would feel love, when inside I had none for myself?? That was a losing game
With each failed relationship that couldn’t give me the love I so desperately craved, I tried to be better. More. Different. Unsurprisingly, it didn’t work. I hadn’t yet cracked the code on loving myself. How could I expect anyone else to be able to love me?
After living like this for years, I decided something needed to change, and fast.
I started by taking a nutrition course to get a handle on how to heal the crummy way my body felt after being misused and abused for so many years. It turned out to be nothing like I expected — and exactly what I needed.
Instead of solely focusing on nutrition like I’d hoped, the program was broken down into 3 pieces: ⅓ personal development (uh, what?), ⅓ business (like I had time for that), and ⅓ health (this, I was up for!).
Once I finished it, I felt so empowered, I quit the accountancy job which no longer served me!!!
While I packed up my bags and headed home, I decided it was the perfect time to take a pilgrimage into myself too. It was the perfect moment for me to put pen to paper and redesign my life from the bottom up.
I’d recently discovered the amazing magic of manifesting. So, I wrote down everything I desired for myself, from the house I wanted to live in, to the car I wanted to drive, from the space to heal my body, to the peace I wished for my mind.
For every bit I added to my life, I gave something else up: cinema, men, meat, alcohol, partying, binge eating, eating out, even earning money. If it wasn’t helping me love myself better, I didn’t want any part of it!
My friends thought I’d lost my mind, and maybe I had. Or perhaps, I’d finally found it.
But I have to be honest: it was really, really lonely. All those years I’d turned to eating out and cinema to fill that void, and now that I’d given up all my vices, I only had myself.
While I felt closer to my truth than ever before, I’d also found myself in entirely unfamiliar territory — with no one to turn to for guidance. Where were the healthy models of self-esteem? Where were the fearless AF women who weren’t ashamed of their bodies or their boldness? Where were my wacky, spiritual soul sisters who I could link arms with and change the game for good??
So, with no one else to light the way, I took a solo voyage into the unknown.
In an effort to understand this new (old?) me better, I dove into audio books and studied meditation, christianity and philosophy. I had a series of awakenings that ignited my devotion to my body and soul. And I realized with 10000000% certainty that, for the first time possibly ever, I f***ing loved myself.
I was completely whole as I was. I always had been and always would be. It was my eureka moment. That’s when the clouds parted and life got VERY interesting.
I felt free. Juicy. Passionate. Driven. Alive.
As I fell deeper and deeper in love with myself, other people began to ask me if I could help them love themselves too. I took everything I’d learned about self love, mindset, food, freedom, embodiment and manifesting, I launched this blog in full flow, and I haven’t looked back since.
I’ve spoken at events from the UK, and personally coached women on how to let their love for themselves can fuel a life beyond their wildest dreams. I’ve watched in awe as this ripple effect has swept out and taken over, and I won’t quit until I’ve helped a billion women feel the way I feel: empowered, worthy and free to be who they truly are.
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