Hello, my lovelies. Take a deep breath with me. Go on, put the kettle on, grab your favourite mug, the one that feels just right in your hands, and let’s settle into this cozy, reflective space together. Today, I want to talk about something that often feels heavy, perhaps even a bit "loud" in our minds, yet so many of us try to whisper it: the art of the ask.
Whether you are navigating the high-stakes world of corporate bonuses or you are an entrepreneur trying to price your soul-led services, there is a delicate dance between what we do and what we believe we are worth. I’ve been reflecting quite deeply on this lately, especially as I navigate my own transitions and the beautiful, sometimes surreal growth of Nefe Oguntoye Coaching. It’s a tender subject, isn't it? The moment we have to put a price tag on our time, our energy, and our brilliance.
The Foundation of Belief
Before we ever utter the words, "I’d like to discuss a bonus," or "My new rate is £X," there is an internal shift that must happen. I often tell my clients that 85 per cent of your success in any negotiation doesn't come from the spreadsheet or the market data, though those are important, it comes from the quiet, grounded confidence within yourself.
Success is a formula I’ve been sitting with lately: Attitude + Passion = Results (A+P=R).
If your attitude is one of scarcity or "not-enoughness," even the most perfectly phrased request will fall flat. But when you approach the ask with a heart full of passion for the value you provide, the results follow. It’s about alignment. When you are aligned with your purpose, asking for what you are worth isn't an act of greed; it’s an act of integrity.
Visual: An elegant Black woman in a sophisticated home library with warm morning light, polished styling, and a calm executive presence, representing grounded confidence and professional self-worth.
Why the "Ask" Feels So Scary
For many of us, especially the ambitious women I work with, the "ask" feels like a risk to our safety or our reputation. We worry about being seen as "difficult" or "ungrateful." We look at our achievements and, despite the glowing feedback and the long hours, that tiny voice of the imposter whispers, “Are you sure you deserve this?”
I’ve been there. I remember moments in my own journey where the thought of asking for more felt like I was tempting fate. But here is the truth: your worth is not a negotiation. Your rate is a negotiation. Your bonus is a negotiation. But the value you bring to the table? That is an unshakeable fact.
When we avoid the ask, we aren't just missing out on money. We are teaching the world, and ourselves, that our contribution is optional. We are shrinking to fit into spaces that we have already outgrown. If you feel like you're stuck on a treadmill, running faster but staying in the same place financially or professionally, it might be time for a gentle reset.
The Art of the Bonus
In the corporate world, bonuses are often seen as "extra" or a "gift." My loves, let’s reframe that right now. A bonus is a reflection of the surplus value you have created for an organisation. If you have exceeded your KPIs, streamlined a process, or led a team through a challenging transition, you have generated "wealth" for that company. Asking for a portion of that wealth back in the form of a bonus is simply fair exchange.
If you’re feeling a bit lost on how to start this journey, I’ve shared many stories of women who have successfully navigated these waters in The Journal. Reading about their "tiny, honest steps" can often provide the blueprint you need.
Visual: An elegant Black woman in a chic blazer standing confidently against a city skyline in a high-rise office, symbolising power, clarity, and leadership.
The Framework: Making the Move
So, how do we actually do it? How do we move from the internal belief to the external "ask"? I like to use a structured, heart-led framework. It’s simple, elegant, and incredibly effective.
- Make Your Case: This is where you gather your evidence. Not with a spirit of "proving" yourself, but with a spirit of celebration. What did you achieve? What problems did you solve? Use sensory adjectives to describe the impact, was the project "seamless"? Was the team morale "vibrant" under your leadership?
- Show the Benefits: Connect your work directly to the bottom line or the company’s mission. Show them how your presence makes their life easier and their business more profitable.
- Make Your Ask: Be clear. Be specific. Don't use "soft" language like "I was wondering if…" or "Maybe we could look at…" Instead, try: "Based on the value I’ve delivered this year, I am looking for a bonus of £X."
- Stop Talking: This is the hardest part. Once you’ve made the ask, hold the space. Silence is a powerful tool. It allows the other person to process and shows that you are comfortable with your request.
Remember, you don't need to be aggressive. You can be soft and strong at the same time. You can be the "gentle mentor" of your own career.
Cultivating the Abundance Mindset
Asking for more requires us to believe that there is more. We often operate from a "scarcity trap," thinking that if we take more, someone else gets less. But in the realm of value and coaching, the opposite is true. When you are well-resourced, you can give more, lead better, and shine brighter.
I’ve seen this transformation time and time again with the women I coach. Take a look at the journeys of Aisha or Natalie. They didn't just get a "pay rise"; they reclaimed their power. They moved from a place of "hoping to be noticed" to "knowing they are essential."
Visual: Two polished Black women in a chic modern business lounge, deep in conversation, representing mentorship, strategic support, and empowered negotiation.
Practical Steps for Your Next "Ask"
If you’re feeling the nudge to step up, here are a few gentle anchors to keep you grounded:
- Audit your wins: Every Friday, write down three things you did that added value. Don't let them vanish into the ether of a busy week.
- Research the market: Use resources like my services page to understand how professional coaching can help you benchmark your value.
- Practice the "Big Brew" ritual: Before a big meeting, sit with your tea. Visualise the conversation going perfectly. Feel the warmth of the mug and let it remind you to stay present in your body.
- Listen to your body: If your chest feels tight when you think about the ask, breathe into it. Your body is just trying to protect you from the "risk" of being seen. Acknowledge it, thank it, and then proceed anyway.
Knowing Your Worth is a Practice
Lovelies, knowing your worth isn't a destination you reach and stay at forever. It’s a practice. It’s a choice you make every single morning. Some days, you will feel like a powerhouse, ready to take on the boardroom. Other days, you might feel a bit more tender, needing to go slow and pace yourself. Both versions of you are worthy of being compensated fully.
If you’re ready to dive deeper into these themes, I’d love for you to subscribe to my podcast. We explore these nuances of ambition, boundaries, and belief in every episode. It’s like having a little bit of coaching in your ear while you go about your day.
Visual: An elegant Black woman at a polished executive desk opening a luxury planner in a high-power workspace, representing intentional planning, confidence, and self-worth.
A Final Thought
The "Art of the Ask" is ultimately about respect. Respect for your talents, respect for your time, and respect for the future version of you who is counting on you to stand up for her today.
Don't wait until you feel 100% "ready." Ready is a myth. Start where you are, with what you have, and let your belief lead the way. You are doing so much better than you think you are, my loves.
If you feel you need a more structured framework to help you navigate your career or business growth, please do reach out. You can work with me directly to build that confidence compass and start navigating your life with true intention.
Stay grounded, stay aligned, and never be afraid to ask for what is rightfully yours.
With love,
Nefe
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